"Looks like we'll be having frozen pizza for dinner again..."

Does anyone else HATE grocery shopping? I despise it. I've mentioned before that I am pretty unorganized so making a shopping list is out of the question. Don't get me wrong I've made plenty of lists. I usually just forget them on the counter or leave them in the car which has happened so many times I just stopped making them.

Grocery shopping was something I struggled with before Levi was born so you can imagine how productive I am now that I have a kid with me. Our trips to the store go a little something like this.

We pull into the Walmart parking lot and I immediately start itching. I like to think of myself as more of a Wholefoods type of girl but Isaac thinks organic is BS and too expensive (plus Wholefoods is an extra 20 minuet drive). I get the baby out of the car and attempt to put him into a shopping cart. He is usually kicking and wiggling his legs so much that it takes 4 attempts to get him into the seat. Of course I picked the cart that sounds like it was made in the 1920's with the wheel that's ready to fall off. Next stop is the cart sanitizing station. I'm like Howie Mandel when it comes to germs so it takes me about 3 minuets to wipe down the cart with disinfectant wipes.

First up is the produce section. I grab an onion and continue on my merry way.

Next we go to the frozen entree section. I patiently wait for the woman in front of me to grab her lean cuisines and get out of my way. I went through a phase after Levi was born where all I ate was Lean Cuisine eggrolls. It was the only thing that sounded appetizing and I obviously had about a 3rd grader to lose in weight so I stocked the fridge with them. Just a little tip for people trying to lose weight. Lean Cuisines don't work if you eat 5 at a time. It's finally my turn to browse the Lean Cuisines and I'm pissed because the glass window is all fogged up. Standing there shaking from all the cold air blasting into my face it takes me 6 minuets to discover that the lady before me got the last of the eggrolls. Ugh.

Strolling through the aisles I grab some chicken broth, can of Rotel, couple bags of string cheese, baked lays and whatever is left of the Chobani selection all the while making a mental note "Do not forget scotch tape do not forget scotch tape do not forget scotch tape..."

20 painful minuets later and a kid who is about to have a meltdown I'm ready to check out. I pick the line that takes an hour to get through which is actually not a bad thing because it gives me some time to brush up on the news. I was really happy to learn Jessica Simpson finally had that baby. She was pregnant for like 2 years (side note: I was talking to my sister Brooke that night and she informs me that Jessica is in fact STILL pregnant. US Weekly totally made this story up).

So we get home and I'm ready to get started on dinner. Looks like we'll be having some chicken broth soup with sliced onions to jazz it up! Side of Baked Lays? Don't mind if I do! Isaac really hit the jackpot marrying me huh? Yesterday was actually his birthday so I go to wrap his gift and realize I FORGOT THE SCOTCH TAPE. Seriously?



Ripped from the pages of Martha Stewart, right Brooke?



That night as I'm going to sleep I get a text message from an unknown number. This is what is says.

Keep your $ scam artist! I'm never going back!



If any of you nice folks want to redeem my $1000 gift card feel free. Just make sure you add your Social Security number so that when they are stealing your identity they don't have to go through to much trouble. 

Function Before Fashion

I had a slight meltdown on Friday.

Have you ever seen the episode of Bethany Ever After where she is trying to get the baby toy out of its box? After much ripping/kicking/crying she freaks out and screams "WHY DO THEY MAKE THESE THINGS SO HARD TO OPEN!!!"

This is my life.
                                                            
I had always heard people say that you should make sure you know how to open and close your baby strollers before you get someplace because you don't want to be stranded somewhere and not be able to get your stroller back into your car. There is an episode of Pregnant in Heels where a NYC mom-to-be has about 8 different strollers, one for every occasion. This may sound a little ridiculous but I see where she is coming from. I needed that many strollers too. Isaac put his foot down and I ended up with two. Back to my story. Rosie Pope (pregnancy concierge and expert on all things baby) does an exercise with this woman where she makes her open and close all the strollers. The woman fails miserably as I sit there snickering at my TV screen. What an idiot. Who can't open and close baby strollers?

Me.

I guess half the problem with not being able to open and close them is I decided to buy the cute strollers that matched my outfits instead of the practical ones. Fashion before function right? Wrong. This golden rule does not apply to baby items. I learned that the hard way. Needless to say I have issues opening and closing my strollers. I even had to YouTube how to open my everyday stroller because I couldn't figure it out and Isaac wasn't around to show me for the 5th time.

My first experience with the jogger went a little something like this. I get to the park motivated and ready to run. I needed to hurry up because my window of being productive was slowly closing in on me. I get the jogger out of the trunk and make my first attempt at opening it. Push this, pull that, give a little kick. Nothing. Four more attempts and still nothing. Its hot out, I'm sweating and I can feel the eyes of all the other judgemental moms at Mitch Park burning a hole through my head. 15 failed attempts later I decided to swallow my pride and call Isaac. Surely he can walk me through this...ring ring ring

"Hey what's up?"

"I can't get the jogging stroller open."

"Shocker."

By the time I get the thing open I feel like I've already got my workout in for the day and contemplate just turning around and going home. As we are getting off the phone Isaac says...

"You think you can figure out how to close it back up when your done?"

"Of course I can. What do you think I am? Stupid?"

"..."

We get done with our run and I'm getting the baby back in the car and ready to tackle the stroller again. Note to new moms...no matter how many times you kick it, it's not going to close. Cursing the day I bought this stroller, I call Isaac back...

"Can I call you back I'm in a meeting?"

"Not unless you want to buy me another jogging stroller because I'm about to back this one over with my car."

"Can't figure out how to close it huh?"

"..."

Since that awful day at Mitch Park I've mastered opening and closing my strollers. I'm actually a pro at it. I can do it in no time flat. Which is why I had a breakdown last Friday. We get to the park and I'm getting the jogger out of the car and it WILL NOT OPEN. I do all the things I'm supposed to do. Nothing. It will not budge. Where is Rosie Pope when you need her? I kept waiting for Justin Bieber to run out and tell me I was on some version of Punked but for people that aren't famous.I kick it a few more times and am almost ready to give up when some nice jogger decides to help a sister out. So embarrassing.

To make matters worse I'm halfway around the park (roughly 3 miles) when my tire blows out. My fit of rage must have caused it to give out. Game over. I really enjoyed the rest of my 1.5 mile jog trying to push a stroller on 2 wheels. Uphill. With a 20lb baby. Touche stroller. Touche.





Band of Brothers

Yesterday while Levi was taking his nap I was trying to get some things done. I have a pretty basic routine which involves washing bottles, picking up Baltos hairballs, restarting the dryer because I don't feel like folding laundry. You know. The usual. I finished all my tasks and decided to check my emails. I have to check my email once every few hours or else I'm likely to miss something really important. For instance, yesterday I logged in at 11:45 and discovered my daily email from Gilt Group. Gilt Group is a website where you can get discounted designer duds for a fraction of the price. Every day at 11:30 they add new designers to the site. I was 15 minuets late checking the site and they had already sold out of the Missoni throw pillows I had my eye on. Cursing the beotches who stole my pillows, I moved on.

After sorting through my important emails and deciding I could live without anything on the Neiman Marcus Midday Dash I did a google search for 98 Degrees. Yes the 90's boy band 98 Degrees. (Side note: I would be really embarrassed if anyone ever checked my google history on my ipad. They would likely find things such as "What to do if your kid swallows a penny," or "Does the frozen yogurt diet really work?" "How many Ounces are in a Pound?") You get the picture. Back to 98 Degrees. I heard a rumor that they were reuniting and I couldn't wait to be the first the get my hands on some tickets. I didn't find any info about this reunion or an upcoming concert schedule but I did stumble upon this headline...

"MTV's fake boy band 2gether plots comeback"

If you don't remember 2gether they had dynamite hits such as "U + Me = Us" and "They hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff."

Hearing news about all these boy bands getting back together really has me reminiscing about the good ol' days. Every time I hear a boy band song from the 90's I am reminded of a memory that goes along with it. Boys to Men "End of the Road" is not only a breakup song made famous by Seth getting dumped on the show The OC but  is a song made popular by me getting dumped over a Yak Bak in middle school. A Yak Bak was something you could record your voice on and it would play it back to you with just the push of a button. Kind of like that thing McCauley Culkin uses in Home Alone but smaller. The nerve of that kid. Couldn't dump me to my face so he recorded his voice and had a friend deliver it to my devastated self. I played "End of the Road" on repeat until I got myself a new boyfriend.



Backstreet Boys "Everybody (Backstreets Back)" reminds me of making up ridiculous interpretive dances to the lyrics with some of my besties.

"Now throw your hands up in the air
Wave them around like you just don't care
If you wanna party let me hear you yell (yeahhh)
Cuz we got it goin' on again
Yeah"

Lyrical Geniouses

I was never a straight A student so you can imagine my excitement when 98 Degrees came out with "Give me just one night (Una Noche)." Who needs Spanish class when I had this little gem. All the Spanish I needed!

Don't worry. I didn't forget N*Sync. I'm drawing a blank on N*Sync memories from the past because I had a recent incident with them that is really embarrassing.  A few years ago around Christmas time I was still working in Fort Worth. I ran title for an oil and gas company so my job consisted of a lot of research. The title plant floor I work on in Fort Worth has a million computers where you can get documents/type reports so on. It also has lots of other companies up there doing work. Every once in awhile it would get really loud from people chit chatting or trying to figure out some screwy title so I would listen to my ipod to block out the sound. Like I said, it was Christmas time so obviously I was listening to N*Sync "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays." You know that feeling you get when you think everyone around you is staring at you? They were. Apparently my headphones were not plugged in all the way and this lovely song was playing for everyone else in the rooms enjoyment. I know what your thinking. Wouldn't you be able to hear if the music was playing outside the headphones? My earbuds are kind of ghetto and the sound is always muffled. You better believe new headphones were on my Christmas list that year. I also asked Santa for my job back. (j/k).



Last night I made Isaac take me to get some frozen yogurt. We get in the car and I excitedly tell him I have a new favorite song I was going to play for him. He gave me the look like "This better not be another Selena Gomez song..." Don't worry. I didn't disappoint. Enjoy.

In case the link didn't work (as you are all well aware of my issues with technology), the song is "What makes you beautiful" by One Direction. Youtube it. My 12 year old self was all over this new boy band. Bravo Simon Cowell! Bravo!

Hold me closer Tony Danza

Everyone has done it. Your riding along in the car listening to the radio, really getting into the song and all of a sudden you belt out what you think are the song lyrics and your co-pilot politely informs you that you are sadly mistaken.

"What did you just say?"

"...She's got a tick in her eye but she don't care."

"I think the real lyrics are 'She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care.'"

        "oh."

I do this a lot. Isaac and I like to play this game in the car where for every song lyric you flub you get a strike. 3 strikes and your out. Not physically out of the car (I would be walking everywhere), you just don't get to sing anymore. This makes for a very quiet car ride.

Elton John lyrics get me all the time. One time I was at Sipango with some friends and we were feeding the jukebox with requests. Being the big Elton John fan that I am I decided to play "Benny and the Jets." It was trivia night at Sipango and some creeper decides to join our table (much to our dismay). I think he actually lives at Sipango because I've only been there 3 times and every time I go he is always there making his rounds, hitting on anything that moves. So my song comes on and I'm singing along...

"Shes got electric boobs, a motor too

You know I read it in a magazine

B-B-B Benny and the Jets..."

The creeper looks at me and says...

 "You know that's not the right words don't you?"

Of course they were the right words. I know my Elton John. He then proceeds to tell me that the right lyrics are...

"Shes got electric boots, a mohair suit

You know I read it in a magazine

B-B-B Benny and the Jets."

"oh."

After this I was no longer worried about him sitting at our table and hitting on us. He was clearly not straight. 

Here are a few more examples of my embarrassing moments in singing.

Song: Queen-Bohemian Rhapsody

What I sing:“Scare a moose, scare a moose, will you do my fan Van Gogh?”

Actual Lyrics: “Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?”

Song: Toto- Africa

What I sing: "There's nothing that a hundred men on mars could ever do."

Actual Lyrics: There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do."

Song: Alanis Morissette- You oughta know

What I sing: "Its not fair to deny me of the cross-eyed bear that you gave to me..."

Actual Lyrics: It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me..."

Song: Hanson: MmmBop

What I sing: MmmBop take your top off doowop duba doo doo wop

Actual Lyrics: Who the heck even knows

You get the picture.

Here's to riding in the car, one embarrassing song lyric at a time.

"Hold me closer Tony Danza"

"Um I think its 'Hold me closer Tiny Dancer.'"

"oh."





"This is why we don't get you nice things..."

This past month Isaac and I went to see a couple movies. We don't get out much so this was a nice treat. The first one we saw was The Hunger Games. We both read the books and were pretty pumped about catching it on the big screen. Actually, I take that back. I never finished the third book. I have a history of reading books in a series and never finishing the last book. I did this with Harry Potter, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Twilight, and LA Candy by Lauren Conrad. Riveting choice in reading material right? Teen trilogies are a little more my speed. Don't ask me why I never finish them it's just a weird thing I do...

On both movie outings Isaac decided to wear his "nice" shorts. If you know my husband at all you know he doesn't really care about spending money on nice clothes for himself (I on the other hand have no problem spending money on nice things...) Most of his clothes consist of work attire and yard work attire. The few outfits he wears out in public are usually things I picked out for him for special occasions. The "nice" shorts I was referring to above were actually something Isaac picked out from JCrew that I liked and gave him the green light to buy.

As we were leaving The Hunger Games we got into the car and Isaac noticed that the entire lap of his "nice" shorts were covered in butter stains from the popcorn. Rookie move. I never wear nice clothes to movies for this reason. I started to panic wondering how I was going to get these stains out. I knew if I couldn't get them out he would either keeping wearing them with the giant grease stains OR choose an alternative. There are very few options of socially acceptable alternatives.

These lovely shorts were picked out from the local Goodwill. Isaac likes to work out in the yard in them. Yes, they are cargo shorts. Yes, they have an elastic waistband with a drawstring to tighten them up. If you look really close you can see two pieces of Velcro on the top left. That is all that's left of what used to be a pocket. The pocket, for your convenience could come off if you needed it to. He purchased the shorts with that pocket missing. Someone at Goodwill really hit the jackpot with that find.

The second pair you see are sweatshorts (is that even a word?). They were purchased as an alternative to this gray pair of sweatshorts that Isaac made by cutting up an old pair of sweatpants. The gray sweatpant shorts were so ugly they hurt my feelings. Last summer on a trip to Beaver Creek Isaac discovered these fancy sweat shorts in one of the local tourist shops. I decided they were slightly more appealing than the gray ones and said they were OK to purchase. He wears them everyday.

I don't have a picture of the next pair i'm about to describe but thats probably a good thing. 4 years ago Isaac and a buddy went to good will in search of the ugliest jeans they could find. They eventually turned the jeans into jorts (jorts = jean shorts). These jorts wouldn't have fit a 3rd grader so you can imagine how sexy they looked on a grown man.They rocked the jorts our entire springbreak and I will continue to be emotionally scarred for life. Do you still have your jorts Andy?

Now do you see my dilema?

I give Isaac a hard time about these things and most the time i'm only half serious. I really don't care what he wears around the house as he is very productive. Its's when we leave the house that it's a different story. Like the time we were going to a Thunder game and he wanted to wear his Kevin Durant Jersey without a shirt under it. I politely told him that he does not play for the Oklahoma City Thunder therefor he needs to wear a shirt under the jersey. End of discussion.

In case you were wondering I did get the butter stains out of the nice shorts...two weeks later he ruined them again at Wrath of the Titans 3D. Ugh.



Picture this.

So a few years ago for Christmas I decided I would ask for a new camera. We just found out we were having a baby and I was anticipating taking a million pictures to document my pregnancy and life after the little one. At the time I had a pretty nice digital camera that had been through its fair share of ups and downs. More downs though. This camera spent a lot of time being dropped on the floor of Murphy's/Dirtys/Eskimo Joe's because I thought it was a great opportunity for a photo after over serving myself one to many limeys. The camera survived college but I started to become unhappy with the pictures it was taking. The lighting was always dark in pictures, it made my face look really pale, it always managed to capture me blinking...all these things having nothing to do with user error. It was completely the cameras fault. After a few months of begging and pleading for a new high resolution EOS digital camera, I was pleasantly surprised Christmas morning to see it sitting under the tree. This camera was going to capture every minuet of my life. From my glowing pregnancy to the baby's first smile. It was a new beginning. Here is an example of my first few attempts at using my new camera.



Ohh ya these new fancy cameras have lens caps...who knew.

If you look real close and squint really hard it's a rainbow.



As you can see I'm no Gils Bensimone (think America's Next Top Model or the ex husband of the crazy Kelly Bensimone on Real Housewives of NYC).

I've had my fancy camera for about a year and a half now. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I've used it. Don't get me wrong, Isaac is great at taking pictures and will get it out at every opportunity that comes along. That just means he doesn't get to be in any of the pictures. And that whole argument I made about how I needed this new camera to capture my beautiful pregnancy and the labor/delivery was total bull honky. The first picture I saw of myself pregnant was at about 5 months and it made me cringe. I was not the cute "glowing" mom-to-be I had envisioned. I was tired, swollen, and it looked like I was wearing a fat suit. Trick or treat. I threatened Isaac with his life if he were to ever show anyone pictures of me from my hospital stay after Levi was born.

So the purpose behind this rant is that I need to start using my camera more often. I don't want it to go into the pile of things "I had to have" but never use (ahem Rollerblades). I busted out the camera last weekend and have to say I was pleased with the results. 

Toodles!



Your typical first blog post...

My very first blog post! This would have happened a lot sooner but I had some technical difficulties trying to figure out how to get started. And by technical difficulties I mean I was ready to throw my computer down the stairs in a fit of rage and stomp my feet like a 4 year old because I couldn't figure out how to make my blog look pretty. Yes, I care if my blog looks pretty. After hours of messing with it and seriously questioning how I made it through college with my lack of computer skills, I settled on this. Sorry folks. This is as good as it's going to get until I brush up on my "how to make a cute blog" skills.

My purpose in creating a blog is really just to give myself something to do other than laundry, vacuum and the occasional Real Housewives of Orange County marathons on Bravo. I'm pretty terrible at keeping a journal/scrapbooks/babybooks/anything crafty that involves being organized so I'm hoping this blog will take the place of all of those things. I promise I won't post any pictures of poopie diapers or talk about breast feeding woes or how much smarter my kid is than yours (although he probably could have figured out this whole blog deal quicker then me). You can however expect lots of pictures of my ridiculously handsome baby Levi, things that spark my general interest and the occasional dumb dog picture.
I'm sure if you are reading this you know me pretty well but if you just happen to stumble upon this on accident here is a little bit about myself...

I got engaged to the love of my life on June 5th, 2009

We were married on June 5, 2010

And then on June 22nd, 2011 we welcomed this little bundle of joy!

Somewhere along the way we acquired these two...



Balto Jacobson




Jeebies aka Jeepers Creepers Jacobson